Hi

I've had a nightmarish ten months since I last posted in October last year.

Two days after my last post we lost our baby. I was 20 weeks pregnant.
We had many tests but were never given a reason why and we have had to come to terms with the fact that we probably never will.
Since then I've gone on to have two more miscarriages - both at early stages, but still devastating. We are due to see a consultant who specialises in miscarriages in September so we shall see what becomes of that.

Its heartbreaking to read back that last post. Least of all as it reminds me how naieve I was about pregnancy at that time. I just assumed that when you get pregnant you would have a baby at the end of it - and now I know that is clearly untrue.

It also reminds me how much I've changed in the last ten months - and not necessarily for the good. I'm much more intolerant of people and get angrier much easier. But the whole experience has made me realise that I'm incredibly lucky to have my two boys and my supportive husband - and that knowledge has helped me through probably the worst year of my life.

We found out that the baby we lost in October was a little boy, and I still think about him every day. About the boy he could have been - and the brother he never was to my sons. Every month that goes by I count the months old he should be - and the milestones he would be passing. It still hurts, but you get to a point where noone asks you how you are anymore and seems to have forgotten when all you want to do is talk about it.

Anyway, its been hard to come back here and write this, but I feel like I'm turning a corner and I'm determined to get back to how I was, albeit a slightly different me, but me all the same.